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Posts Tagged ‘fake orgasms

Public awareness campaign

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The other night I was having drinks with one of my best friends and her boyfriend when we came upon the topic of his going down on her. She wasn’t a fan. “He’s more into it than I am.” What? Why? “Well, I don’t get off from it.” But it at least starts the process, right? “You know I never get off, right?”

I almost spit out my drink. The girl is 29. She’s dated plenty of boys. Her current boyfriend worships the ground she walks on. And she’s never had an orgasm?

So, the worst part of this is, this is not the first girl who’s told me this. This is not the second or the third. Of course, it’s no big secret: girls suck at having orgasms. And guys, you have been faked on. Guaranteed.

My super scientific reasoning for this is that guys have a penis dangling between their legs that they likely tug and pull at since the day they start to manage motor skills. I would if I had one. Then, one day, all that fiddling surprises them with a swift shot of spooge. Obviously, this feels good. So they keep tugging.

Girls on the other hand don’t really have much of a need to pull and push at our neatly hidden vaginas. So most of us girls don’t stumble on to orgasms on our lonesome. Most of us just ignore it until we’re getting naked with other people and then we’re stuck not knowing really what the hell an orgasm is.

By the time I was 18, I had had exactly one orgasm courtesy of a guy I swiftly dumped the next day, as I had absolutely no idea how to return the favor and figured the silent treatment was the best response. (Yes, I am a total chicken.)

A couple months later, when my older sister asked me if I had had an orgasm, I could smugly say yes. But then I got drunk and admitted I had no idea if it would ever happen again. She told me what may seem like basic advice, but what seemed golden to me at the time and what I’ve passed on to many of my friends since then:

“You have to teach yourself how to masturbate. Give yourself two hours alone in your room, turn down the lights, put on music, spit on your fingers, prod around down there, fiddle with yourself. It takes a couple of hours first. Just keep going until something happens.”

I was lucky; thanks to the hapless guy that helped me the first time, my practice was motivated by the fact that orgasms are, well, fucking orgasmic. But, even so, I still think if you stumble around long enough, you’ll figure it out.

Even with knowing to a certain extent what I was looking for, it took me a month to get there. Really. 30 days. But when I got it finally, I was like a 13-year-old boy. Sneaking off every chance I could. Making excuses to go home early. Going nuts with my own finger. It took me an hour to reach orgasm back then. Now it takes me about a minute. People think it’s kind of freakish how fast it happens. Fuck them. Practice makes perfect.

Written by kali

July 10, 2009 at 8:04 pm