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Fear and Loathing in her Vagina

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Fear and Loathing in her Vagina.
by flatoutfree

What the fuck just happened.

I just had a memorable experience with a chick I met at a bar a couple weeks ago.

We chat on the phone and agree to meet up at a local bar. I go pick her up, we get there, munch on some peanuts, shoot the shit, and talk about urban exploration. I suggest doing a little exploring around campus; she’s all for it. I escalate gently and by the end of the conversation we’re making out.

Eventually we get going. We head outside and I hand her the passenger helmet. As soon as she grabs onto the helmet I pull the helmet to my side, forcing her body into mine. I hover my lips over hers until she kisses me. We make out some more, I pull her tightly into me.

Me: How about we skip the exploring and go watch a movie
Her: What movie?
Me: You pick. See how selfless I am?

So we go back to my place, my roommates are there, we do introductions, I pull her into my room. We throw on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I position her body the way I want it on my bed. We’re spooning and feeling eachother up as the movie starts; about 10 minutes in she rotates her body into mine and I get between her legs.

She’s got an incredible body. Her bellybutton is pierced. Her lips are amazing. She’s got black eyeliner on that just makes her oh so appealing to me. She’s writhing beneath me… deja vu sets in.

We fuck around and she tells me she’s just getting off her period.

Me: “I don’t mind, it’s up to you.”

So I end up fingering her for a while before we start fucking. She said she didn’t have a tampon or pad in.

While fingering her I noticed something very odd on the right interior wall of her vagina.

I thought maybe it was a tumor or some sort of growth, then I noticed it moved around. It was pretty small… definitely not a forgotten tampon. There was something suspicious going on. I asked myself… when the hell is the point in time when you just give up trying to get something out of your vagina. Like… if you’re cleaning it and something gets stuck, what is it, 5 minutes? 10 minutes? When you just say “fuck it” and leave it there for your body to absorb? There was SOMETHING of chunky nature lodged in the corner of her vag. She must have put it there. Did she forget about it? Maybe she has ADD and it kicked in at an awkward moment… I thought it might have been poop at first but then I realized that didn’t make any sense. What the hell is going on?

I end up fingering her more, she’s squirming, then I ninja this mystery artifact out of her vagina. I didn’t want to embarrass her so I just covertly threw it under my bed for later analysis. Maybe she noticed and didn’t say anything. Either way I’m excited, curious, and scared all at the same time.

For the rest of the night all I could think about was “what the fuck did I just put under my bed.” I was fucking her and I thought about this. I was kissing her and I thought about it. When we were done I just sat there and thought about it. What the hell was that thing?

I dropped her off earlier this morning. There was a career fair here at my University so I had to get all dressed up and pass my resume out. All I could think about while chatting with the recruiters was “what the hell did I pull out of this chick’s vagina.” I never even got a good look at the thing. Is it biological? Did her mind wander while she was masturbating? What does it smell like? I wonder what the inside looks like? What color is it?

Well I just got back to my apartment a little while ago. This is an account of my real-time examination of this vaginal souvenir.

Alright, I’m going to my bed right now to recover this thing.

Here it is:

It looks like a fucking owl pellet. If I find the skull of a mouse in this thing I’m going to flip.

Dissection commencing…

Should I smell it?

I’m gonna smell it.

I almost just vomited. Pretty sure my roommate just heard me scream in agony. It smells like feces. This thing that I just retrieved from her vagina smells like poop.

Okay, I’m investigating the interior of this mystery chunk.

My fork won’t penetrate this item easily. It has the consistency of a soggy wad of paper towel.

I’m cutting through it now.

Oh god.

It’s definitely made of some sort of paper material. It is not poop. I’m not sure why I feel disappointed.

Fuck my life, this smells horrid.

It seems to be a pre-rolled device of some sort. Perhaps of menstrual nature. Forgotten menstrual nature.

For authenticity:

In any event, she was a good fuck and she’s one of the hottest chicks I’m seeing. A solid addition to my newfound harem. Maybe I’ll find a rubik’s cube in her butthole.

Written by youscreeem

November 30, 2010 at 4:17 pm

Posted in sex stuff

Tagged with

America’s most sexually active cities…

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(taken from lemondrop.com, except the photo, theirs was lame so I switched it out)  Big shout outs to Fort Wayne, Indiana (#3!!!!) and Austin, Texas!!!  also, check the other stats from the study here at Men’s Health, including the cities purchasing most online from our friends at Babeland.  Sorry Actionville, Fla, not really livin’ up to your name:(  And congrats to Austin for buying so many condoms.  Safe sex is great sex.  FOr some people.

Having a hard time getting laid? Have you considered moving to Indianapolis?

Perhaps you should, because America’s racing capital is among a number of other surprising cities to make the list of the most sexually active.

The list was published by Men’s Health, with the data tabulated by combining a number of factors, like condom and sex-toy sales, STDs and birth rates. They then mixed ’em all up like a wacky Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercial to determine that Indianapolis is the most sexually satisfied city in the country.

It’s a dubious methodology for sure, but who are we to argue with infographics? The remaining top 10 were (in descending order) Columbus, Ohio; Fort Wayne, Ind.; Cincinnati; Salt Lake City; San Antonio; Denver; Austin, Texas; Boise City, Idaho; and Chicago.

Last on the list of 100 cities was Lexington, Kent., but good news for them — it’s only 1.5 hours to the number four city (Cincy), and just a little over three hours to Indianapolis. You know, in case you hit a dry spell, own a car and decide to take out a good chunk of America’s heartland.

Written by youscreeem

September 24, 2010 at 12:40 pm

sick.

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Bob Flanagan was an artist, a poet, a masochist, and one of the longest surviving cystic fibrosis patients ever. The documentary SICK follows Bob through the last few years of his life. If you are into strange, torturous, hard to watch footage this doc is for you. From the cRAZY veins in his bony sick body to the needles his partner Sheri meticulously shoves through his scrotum, it’s just a liTTle ouchy at times to say the least. Not to mention the part where he fucking croaks on camera and his weirdy GF takes all sorts of post-mortem photos and practically cuddles with a jar of his lung juice that she keeps in a hazmat bag in her garage after he dies (whoopsies, spoiler alert…). Rough. On a scale of can’t look to glued the screen i give it a let the good times roll.  Check out the trailer HERE.

and for fun… here’s bob in the Danzig video for It’s Coming. Have fun with that!


Danzig- Its Coming Down (Unedited)
Uploaded by domchimic. – See the latest featured music videos.

Written by icecreeem

September 19, 2010 at 10:10 pm

banana all the way…

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“hey guys… if you hAd to fuck a food what would it be?”

“mashed potatoes” !?  no.

“a loaf of bread”  o honey…

i’m with youscreeem on this.

didn’t all you boys do this when you were young?  all the guys i knew did…  pop that shit in the microwave for added pleasure.

and look how much fun the ladies have with them too!!… making the banana, in my humble opinion the all around most fuckable food.

just sayin…

Written by icecreeem

September 8, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Posted in sex stuff, toys

Tagged with

the long and winding road

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another installment of search engine terms that bring you hoe bagz to us hoe bagz…

1) twatter

2) spit on my clit    (do it!!)

3) peen peen

4) hes got a big one

5) holy shit japan    (lulz)

6) poon poon    (think that’s the same person as #3?)

7) boyfriend wants to cum in mouth kiss

8) showing their pussy climbing the stairs

9) fat retarded guy sex    (ha!!  i don’t remember that post but it sounds amazing!)

10) penis in pussy   (so basic…  i love it.)

11) filippo timi’s penis    (i know… i love him too…)

12) ripped legins fucking

13) sitting on vibrator all day    (atta girl)

14) big silicone dildos too small    (here… try this one.  you’ll be fine i promise…)

love you cunts!!

Written by icecreeem

September 6, 2010 at 1:50 pm

that hipster porn

with 2 comments

Written by icecreeem

September 3, 2010 at 1:41 am

Posted in gallery, sex stuff

Tagged with ,

Smell yo Dick.

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I, for the first time, started sleeping with a man who was uncircumcised.  It honestly didn’t make that much of a difference to me at all.  Everything seemed totally normal.  Almost everything.  We slept together 4 times.  The first time I was drunk and don’t remember much.  The second time there was definitely a moment when I went to go down on him and I noticed a pungent odor.  I thought to myself, “OMG… is that me??  Did we rub privates and now his dick smells because of my vag juice?”.  We all know vaginas sometimes smell.  We have wAY more inner workings going on there and lets face it… it happens. And to be clear, I don’t mind a little ball sweat smell… but this was more.  I excused myself for a second pretending I had to use the bathroom to check out the sitch.  Nothin.  Peachy fresh.  I give a quick rinse just to be sure and head back to the bed.  Upon working my way back towards his cock with my mouth it becomes apparently clear that his dick just smELLs.  Awkward.  I even notice that the smell has transferred to my hand.  There’s  no turning back at this point and being the good woman I am, I take a deep breath and go in.  I hold my breath while giving him head taking short breaks to quickly breath out, breath in through my mouth and carry on.  I do this for all of a minute or 2 before I pull a “I need you inside me right now” kinda thing JUST to get it away from my face.  The only way to fix it was to bury it (condoms of cOURse).  And the sex was good… he was well hung and it was by no means mind blowing… but good.

The next time we meet up, we end up in the bedroom and I don’t even think about it at first.  I figured the last time he must have been running around all day… un showered… it couldn’t be an all the time kind of stench.  He must have just been having a smelly dick day.  Something we women can totally relate to (and I would never write off a perfectly good peen for one day of being less than calgon fresh).  We start talking about what we like, what we don’t like.  I tell him I like it rough.  I tell him I like my hair pulled.  I tell him I like for a man to slap his cock on my face.  We start disrobing, and, as per my own instructions, he mounts me and starts to bring his penis to my face when I realize… it fucking STINKS!!  Like I’m talking ear cheese stink.  Sharp.  PaINful.  And now he has pinned me down and thinks I want him to rub it all over my face.  I swear… only in my world…

So unfortunate… because he was fun.  Great body, great dick, sexy euro accent…  *sigh*

It made me feel kind of bad for him because one can only assume he has no idea.  And I find it unfortunate that no girlfriend has ever told him.  I have only slept with one other man with an uncircumcized dick (one time) and I would definitely remember if it had smelled, so I am definitely not saying they all do.  I assume, it is a matter of keeping it really reAlly clean.  Youscreeem and I googled it this morning and found that: an accumulation of  smegma in the foreskin can contribute to the fishy smell.  Smegma IS a real word… who kneW!?

Listen… I am not judging or talking shit.  I really just think it’s important for uncircumcised men to be awARE.  Women have to worry about it all the time.  And it sucks.  I know a lot of girls who can’t even get comfortable receiving head because they are so self conscious about it.  I lived with bacterial vaginosis, undiagnosed (planned parenthood FAIL) for over a year.  It was HELL.  Nothing will rob you of your femininity like being able to smell yourself at all times.  My boyfriend at the time (what a trooper) and I had a joke about it.  We called it “void stank puss”… it was amazing that he stuck with me but still… HELL.  But, BV, much like smegma, affects millions of people and is easily rectified if you just take the proper steps to treat, or in the case if the cheesy smegma dick… just CLEAN that shit!!  Tell your friends.  Spread the word.  We don’t have to live with genital stench… life is better than that!!!!

With that… I leave you with a song.


love,

me.