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Archive for July 2009

Admitting Defeet

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We had been friends for a few years. I could always count on him for a fine dinner, a glass of wine and a friendly good-bye. Nothing that remotely ever even smelled of sex or attraction, except maybe on my part in the beginning. That moment had been extinguished by the wise words of a now dearly departed confidante, “Sometimes, it’s good to  just be good friends.”

Honestly though, I spent a couple of years masturbating to thoughts of him. I held my breath at the end of every one of those purely platonic date nights in suspense only to drive off in my car, alone, repeating, “Sometimes, it’s good to just be good friends,” over and over until I could get home and release my frustrations on my own.

A couple of weeks ago, after a day of cruising galleries and a candlelit dinner, we decided to throw caution to the wind and do the damn thing. Five years of wondering and agonizing were about to culminate in a little, gorgeous boutique hotel in a dreamy college town where neither of us lived (neutral territory). He laid on the bed, inviting me to join him. I sat on top of him and kissed him. No turning back; now or never. Clothes came off, condom on and I was thrilled at his size, he had been holding out on me.

Then shit got awkward, in the worst way. Maybe it was the alcohol, perhaps the lights were too bright or the build up was just too much. Two good friends of the opposite sex finally dive in and for all our wonderful conversations on art, life, and love we don’t know where to put our arms. However, we persisted, we had to make it work even if the condom was too small. I reflected on how unlike all those fantasies rehearsed solo in my bed this had become and I started to rue de-robing. Then, in one final attempt to get this humdinger off the ground, he turned to me and said, “Maybe if you put your feet on it.”

I had been wearing sandals the whole day, but it was worth a try. He certainly did come back to life, for another minute anyway, preferring both feet as opposed to one I learned. After several more attempts at intercourse, it became apparent that the feet were the catalyst, like waving hands to control the oscillators and amplitude of a theremin, it only came to pitch when my feet were in direct contact. The sexiness of the moment was gone for me. Nothing left to do but leave him with a kiss as he jacked off with the hotel lotion.

I got to my car and started the drive home, all the while thinking, “Sometimes, it’s good to just be good friends.”

Written by whiptcreeem

July 21, 2009 at 7:23 pm

Posted in sex stuff

naked people

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This site is fun.  I just like trying to guess what you’ll find underneath their clothes before you roll your mouse over the pictures to make them disappear!  “I bet his dick is tINy.”  “I bet her nipples are huge.”  “I bet he’s uncircumcized.”  “I bet she’s got a hUge bush.”… you get it…  have fun!


Written by icecreeem

July 16, 2009 at 11:39 pm

Public awareness campaign

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The other night I was having drinks with one of my best friends and her boyfriend when we came upon the topic of his going down on her. She wasn’t a fan. “He’s more into it than I am.” What? Why? “Well, I don’t get off from it.” But it at least starts the process, right? “You know I never get off, right?”

I almost spit out my drink. The girl is 29. She’s dated plenty of boys. Her current boyfriend worships the ground she walks on. And she’s never had an orgasm?

So, the worst part of this is, this is not the first girl who’s told me this. This is not the second or the third. Of course, it’s no big secret: girls suck at having orgasms. And guys, you have been faked on. Guaranteed.

My super scientific reasoning for this is that guys have a penis dangling between their legs that they likely tug and pull at since the day they start to manage motor skills. I would if I had one. Then, one day, all that fiddling surprises them with a swift shot of spooge. Obviously, this feels good. So they keep tugging.

Girls on the other hand don’t really have much of a need to pull and push at our neatly hidden vaginas. So most of us girls don’t stumble on to orgasms on our lonesome. Most of us just ignore it until we’re getting naked with other people and then we’re stuck not knowing really what the hell an orgasm is.

By the time I was 18, I had had exactly one orgasm courtesy of a guy I swiftly dumped the next day, as I had absolutely no idea how to return the favor and figured the silent treatment was the best response. (Yes, I am a total chicken.)

A couple months later, when my older sister asked me if I had had an orgasm, I could smugly say yes. But then I got drunk and admitted I had no idea if it would ever happen again. She told me what may seem like basic advice, but what seemed golden to me at the time and what I’ve passed on to many of my friends since then:

“You have to teach yourself how to masturbate. Give yourself two hours alone in your room, turn down the lights, put on music, spit on your fingers, prod around down there, fiddle with yourself. It takes a couple of hours first. Just keep going until something happens.”

I was lucky; thanks to the hapless guy that helped me the first time, my practice was motivated by the fact that orgasms are, well, fucking orgasmic. But, even so, I still think if you stumble around long enough, you’ll figure it out.

Even with knowing to a certain extent what I was looking for, it took me a month to get there. Really. 30 days. But when I got it finally, I was like a 13-year-old boy. Sneaking off every chance I could. Making excuses to go home early. Going nuts with my own finger. It took me an hour to reach orgasm back then. Now it takes me about a minute. People think it’s kind of freakish how fast it happens. Fuck them. Practice makes perfect.

Written by kali

July 10, 2009 at 8:04 pm

tooth fairy

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a little lesson in keeping a tidy nest…

me and my brother have been talking about getting some weed for a while now.  we are both so lazy about our drug habits that we never actually do it, but we’ve talked about doing it a lot.  sO… i’m at work the other night and i get a text from him asking if i want to go in on some.  i say yes (thinking this is just like every other time he’s asked).  he tells me he was going to come down my way to pick it up but since i was working he’d do it the next day so we could meet and he could give me my half.  okey dokey!

so, i go home after work and there is a note on my computer written in sharpie on a paper towel.  it read:

“the tooth fairy was here”

not quite thinking straight, i open my laptop and look on the key board… nothing.  O… the TOOTH fairy… i gettit.  i go into my bedroom and sure enough, under the pillow is a little bag o weed and a pipe.  he had let himself in with his key and left me a present.  how thoughtful…

then i start to look around my room.  o dear god.

there is not one, but TWO, bottles of lube on my nightstand (what?  i like lube…).  the drawer is opened and there is my very nice array of sex toys in a translucent zippered pouch.  condoms.  need i go on?  GROSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

to top it off i go into the bathroom and i have not one, but TWO dildos drying on the sink. (what?  at least i’m clean…) 

please tell me he didn’t pee… please tell me he didn’t have to PEE!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!


Written by icecreeem

July 5, 2009 at 3:15 pm

Posted in everything else

Tagged with , , , , , ,

We couldn’t write this shit…

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“Last night I stuck the head of my penis just a little bit in my anus.”

Written by youscreeem

July 3, 2009 at 12:24 am

Posted in everything else

we lOve food!!

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Written by icecreeem

July 1, 2009 at 12:05 pm